I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
