I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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