porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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