When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
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Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
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I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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