I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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