I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
