6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
pop tarts are not kleenex
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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