My liver just broke up with me...
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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