Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
