he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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