just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
