she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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