We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
