I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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