i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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