when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
This toilet bowl is my home.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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