Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
