So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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