She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
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Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
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Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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