I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
