I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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