chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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