so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
