you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
