Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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