he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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