Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
