Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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