Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
