I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
