I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
