apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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