Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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