I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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