just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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