I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
