I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The feeling are messing with the penis
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
