She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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