fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
