So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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