The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
