i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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