The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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