What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
