I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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