how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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