drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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