I'm jealous of your bromance
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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