watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
