wat bout pragnant strippers??
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
