I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
