i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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