Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
