the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
