did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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