WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
