Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
