Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
